


Breathe So Deep

by aban_ataashi



Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: Gen, because i can't write a short one shot without turning it into a long character study, featuring lions cursing and fantasy drug use, how my ranger decided to multiclass as a monk, multiclass prompt, poe writing prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 13:33:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15819903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aban_ataashi/pseuds/aban_ataashi
Summary: "Tomorrow will be a simple meditation, to clear the mind as dawn clears the night.”“And is that just code for ‘doing whiteleaf while everyone else is asleep’?”Zahua considered that for a while. His brow was furrowed in concentration, and at last he said, “Not necessarily.”





	Breathe So Deep

**Author's Note:**

> This began as a (slightly late) submission for the weekly PoE Fic Prompt "Versatility", which asked how/why your Watcher multiclassed between games. This features my Watcher Rudi, originally a Ranger. Partly inspired by my own indecision on whether to multiclass her as a Fighter or a Rogue, which I resolved by randomly picking Monk instead at the last minute. Extra tidbit- the title comes from "Biting Down" by Lorde, which I think has a pretty good feel for the monk style of fighting.
> 
> Enjoy!

Rudi was pretty sure she was dying.

“You’re not dying,” Eder said, exasperated. “You just spent an hour getting the stuffing beat out of you because you’re wearing the wrong armor. I warned you this would happen.”

Moving was excruciating, but Rudi garnered all of her remaining energy to raise a middle finger in Eder’s direction. He just laughed.

“Dick.”

To Eder’s credit, he took the insult in stride. “How about we call it good for today? We can try again another time. Maybe when you’re wearing some real armor.”

Rudi groaned, pulling herself off of the floor. She was exaggerating a _little-_ this certainly wasn’t the worst she had ever felt. But it was a helluva lot worse than she was expecting this training to be.

“You know I can’t move around in that clunky stuff.”

Eder shrugged. “Well, you either gotta wear the armor or take the hits.”

“Isn’t whole point of fighting _not_ getting hit?”

“No, that’s why they invented _shields._ Which you also refuse to use.” Eder’s amusement was evident in his voice. “I don’t really know what you were expecting to happen here.”

“Oh, go bench-press a boulder or something.” In her tired state, Rudi’s insults lacked her usual bite. She did, however, earn a chuckle from Eder.

“You don’t have to put yourself through this, you know. Why are you aching to brawl all of a sudden?”

Rudi shrugged and looked away. “You know me. I’m an asshole who wants to hit things.”

“Sure.” Eder didn’t sound totally convinced, but he let it slide. “Same time next week?”

Rudi’s muscles screamed in protest at the mere thought of more of this torture, but she was far too stubborn to turn him down. “You bet. Once I get the hang of this, I’ll wipe that smug look off your face.”

 

Truthfully, the whole stupid idea had started when Sol got his foot stuck in a clamp trap during a fight in the Russetwood. Rudi was more than confident in her ability to defend herself- and she had a reputation throughout the Dyrwood to back that up- but she hadn’t quite realized just how much that ability depended on a lion standing between her and her enemies. As deadly as Rudi’s bow and arrows were, they weren’t much use against a foe standing only a foot away and swinging a sword.

Rudi had hit the ground, bleeding and uselessly trying to string her bow before another strike could fall. Sol had still tried to protect her, of course. He’d ripped himself free of the trap and thrown himself back in the fight as soon as he saw his master fall, despite his injured paw. If Pallegina hadn’t been watching their backs… well, it had been far too close a call for Rudi’s liking.

As soon as they returned to Caed Nua, Rudi had enlisted Eder’s help in training.

 

As time passed and no noticeable improvement was made, Rudi’s patience began to thin.

Eder was a good teacher, but his method relied on armor and heavy weapons and a shield fashioned from a reinforced _door,_ for crying out loud. Rudi couldn’t lug around a shield in addition to her bow and quiver of arrows. She couldn’t scout or stealth in stiff, heavy armor.

But she also couldn’t sit with the knowledge that she was helpless without her bow, so she kept returning to the training grounds to get her ass kicked.

Rudi ducked as Eder’s wooden training sword whistled over head, barely missing her. She took advantage of the situation to charge him, but he thrust his shield forward to block her. Unable to halt herself, Rudi smacked into the large shield. Her own training sword crashed to the ground, leaving her hand ringing from the impact.

_Shit!_

She lost her footing for a moment, and before she knew it Eder’s wooden sword had swing back around and caught her in the stomach, sending her sprawling to the floor.

Again.

Rudi groaned as she sat up, wincing at new bruise in her side. Eder leaned over, holding out a hand. “You alright? Maybe we should finish up for today…”

 Rudi swatted the offered hand away in irritation. She grabbed her sword and heaved herself up, getting back into sparring position. “One more time. I need to get this right!”

Eder sighed and shook his head. “We keep trying this, but I just don’t think it’s gonna work.”

“Why not? I’m following your instructions.”

“No, you’re not. You won’t use the right equipment, and it’s messing you up. You get distracted, then angry, and then you fall apart.”

Rudi bit down on her lip to keep from yelling something she would later regret. She knew she shouldn’t lose her temper over this- especially on Eder, who was remarkably patient.

But she needed to learn this, and she _couldn’t,_ and that was seriously pissing her off.

Taking in her frustrated expression, Eder sighed. “I wish I could tell you something different but…the truth is, I don’t really see you becoming a fighter anytime soon. Sorry.”

 

After that disaster of a training session, Rudi found herself making her way to the stone amphitheater. Sol liked to nap in the sun there- she would sit with him for a while, and hopefully that would calm her down.

She did find Sol there, but to her surprise he wasn’t alone- Zahua was sitting beside him, staring unblinking into the sun as he slowly stroked Sol’s mane. He didn’t acknowledge Rudi until Sol jumped up and padded over to her. That must have broken his concentration- he blinked slowly and turned to smile at her.

“Ah, the young Watcher. How goes your training?”

“It doesn’t,” Rudi replied flatly. She scratched Sol’s ears, earning a low, approving rumble from the lion.

“You’re quitting?”

“No,” Rudi snapped automatically. She hesitated, gnawing on her lip. “Well, yeah. Maybe. I’m not getting any better. I think I’m actually getting _worse._ ”

Zahua regarded her for a moment. “Perhaps you should join me tomorrow in my meditations. I would be willing to share my knowledge and skills.”

Surprise kept Rudi from answering for a few moments. Zahua’s style was…intense, to say the least. If she couldn’t handle Eder’s training, she didn’t even want to _think_ about Zahua’s.

But right now, it seemed her only other option was quitting, and Rudi _hated_ quitting.

“First tell me- is this ‘meditation’ one of those freaky torture things you enjoy so much?”

The nice thing about Zahua was that Rudi never had to worry about offending him. His smile only widened. “My particular practices, valuable as they are, are perhaps not suited for one not of the clan. Tomorrow will be a simple meditation, to clear the mind as dawn clears the night.”

“And is that just code for ‘doing whiteleaf while everyone else is asleep’?”

Zahua considered that for a while. His brow was furrowed in concentration, and at last he said, “Not necessarily.”

Not exactly promising, but at this point, Rudi was willing to try anything.

 

Despite what Zahua had told her, Rudi was still surprised to find that his meditation was actual meditation.

She met him as instructed in the Caed Nua gardens just before dawn, sleepy-eyed but determined. Zahua was already sitting contentedly when she arrived. His legs were crossed and his eyes were closed, and Rudi honestly wasn’t sure if he was meditating or sleeping.

“Sit with me,” he said as she approached, not opening his eyes. Huh. He actually _was_ meditating.

Rudi obliged, copying his stance and closing her eyes. She didn’t feel nearly as confident as Zahua looked. “Um… what do I…?”

“Your goal is to detach yourself from this world. Clear your mind and forget your body. The rest will follow with time.”

“Just this once, could you actually explain what you mean?” Rudi pleaded. “It’s a little too early for me to follow this cryptic stuff.”

“Either you will understand or you will not. More talking will make no difference. Our breath is better served breathing.”

Rudi huffed but closed her eyes and did her best to clear her mind. It was difficult- trying to deliberately _not_ notice things went against her nature. The nearby sounds of nature, the feel of the wind, the urge to open her eyes and check her surroundings- rather than fade with meditation, it all seemed to amplify.

 _Focus,_ she snapped at herself, but it was hopeless. She couldn’t clear her mind, and frankly, she didn’t see the point of it. This wasn’t going to help her defend herself any better. And next time she was caught unprepared in close combat, someone was going to get hurt. Probably her, but possibly one of her friends, or- Gods forbid- Sol. All because she couldn’t-

“You are not following instructions.”

“Dammit,” Rudi muttered. She opened her eyes and leaned back on the grass, glaring at the sky. She felt like she’d been sitting here for hours, but the sun still wasn’t up. She could feel Zahua watching her. “I really am trying. But I don’t know _how_ to clear my mind.”

 “Of course you know how,” Zahua said. “Everyone knows how. You only need to discover where that knowledge lies within you.”

“Zahua, I don’t know what the fuck that _means.”_

“Do you not harness your focus as you fight?”

“Sure, but my mind’s not clear when I’m firing arrows,” Rudi said with a frown. “I notice everything. That’s what long-range attackers are _supposed_ to do.”

“Exactly,” Zahua said unfazed. “When you fight with your arrows, do you put all of your focus onto one single target? Or do you take in every target, every threat, every change in your environment? This is the difference between a distracted mind and a clear one.”

“Shouldn’t that be opposite?”

Zahua shook his head. “When I clear my mind, I am not devoid of thought. I am simply able to process my thoughts without the haze of emotion.” He smiled at Rudi, as if he was making perfect sense. “This is why I thought this style would suit you. These Dyrwoodans are effective, but preoccupied with what is in front of them. You and I, we approach the battle from a distance.”

“Do we?” Rudi asked, skeptical. “You fight by punching, Zahua. You’re about as much in the thick of things as you can get.”

“My body is.” Zahua agreed. “But is my mind?”

He paused, and Rudi wasn’t sure if he wanted an answer or not. The silence continued to stretch out, and she finally said, uncertainly, “…no?”

Rather than respond to her answer, Zahua closed his eyes. “Let us continue our meditation. Copy my breathing, and trust yourself.”

Rudi was lost as ever, but she acquiesced. She copied Zahua’s posture once more, and tried to remember his advice. This time, instead of fighting against the noises and feelings of everything around her, Rudi followed her instincts. She listened to world around her, and as the minutes passed she grew used to the rhythms of her surroundings.

And in a strange way, Zahua’s words began to make sense. The meditation was reminiscent of the long hunting trips she took back home- the endless hours of moving through the wilderness, taking in the prey and predators around her, at one with the hunt.

When Rudi opened her eyes again, she was surprised by how high the sun had risen.

 

Of course, it couldn’t all be meditations and sunrises. The time came when once again, Rudi had to endure sparring sessions.

Zahua, however, eschewed the training swords in favor of simple hand-to-hand. As always, he wore little in the way of armor. This was a small comfort to Rudi- at least there would be no concern over heavy metal weighing her down.

And yet the training was more ruthless than anything Eder had put Rudi through.

“Fuck!” Rudi yelped, cradling her bruised arm. “That’s gonna hurt for weeks!”

“Of course it will hurt.” Zahua’s eyes seemed to burn as he stared Rudi down.  His fists were raised, ready to lash out again at any moment. They had barely started the session and he’d landed countless blows against her, while Rudi was barely able to stay on her feet as he danced around her.

“Our way is not comfortable. Nothing worthwhile in this world is comfortable. We do not do this because it is easy. We do this because we must.” He lunged forward, but Rudi managed to dodge out of the way. She swung out, managing to graze him with her fist. He took her strike with a grin. He lunged again, this time managing to grapple Rudi and trap her in a hold.

Rudi threw her weight forward to try and break the hold, but Zahua held fast. “You will not succeed in these methods until you embrace what must be endured. I know why I must do this. Do you?”

Rudi struggled to free herself, but Zahua’s grip was iron. She was left to consider his questions. She still didn’t understand Zahua’s philosophy- his journey for perfection had never made sense to her. But she did understand the need to hold on to something important, the last thing he had of his home.

“I’m doing this because there are things I need to protect,” she said, breathing heavy. “And I can’t do that if I can’t protect myself.”

“And this is something you will suffer for?”

Rudi was almost afraid to answer, but she took a deep breath and steeled herself. “Yes.”

“Then do not focus on the pain. You have already decided you can accept the pain. Clear your mind. Forget your body. See the battlefield from afar. See how everything is connected. See how you can use the pain.”

 _That’s not helpful!_ Rudi thought, but she bit back a barbed retort and tried to go back to that space she was in during meditation. She tried to step out of her body, take in the sensations, and trust herself. And to her own immense shock, a sudden flash of clarity came. Rudi sensed the weakness in Zahua’s hold, and could see in her mind how she could twist and break his grasp. It would mean straining-possibly dislocating- her already aching shoulder, but it was the only way.

So Rudi gritted her teeth and shoved herself to the side.

It worked- Zahua’s hold broke, and although Rudi’s shoulder was screaming in protest she was able to whip around and kick his feet out from under him. Despite the pain, Rudi barked out a laugh. This was the first time she’d held the advantage over somebody in close combat. It wasn’t much, but it was _something._

Zahua leapt back to his feet, grinning maniacally. “Now we’re having some _fun!”_

 

Afterwards, they did smoke some whiteleaf.

Sol was curled up at Rudi’s feet. She wondered how much the lion truly understood about their lives. Did he realize how far they were from their home back on the Plains? Did he wonder what happened to the village they left behind? Did he keep count of how many times they’d both nearly died this past year? He was a wise animal- surely some part of him recognized the strange twists of fate that had brought him to the Dyrwood, and appreciated how his presence had changed the lives of all who lived there.

Sol yawned, looking for all the world like a careless, sleepy cat. Rudi wondered just how fast-acting Zahua's whiteleaf concoction was.

“It relaxes the muscles,” Zahua claimed. “Very important after a sparring session. It is also good for meditation.”

Rudi wasn’t sure how seriously to take him, but for once, she decided not to question his methods. When it came to monkhood, she trusted Zahua knew what he was talking about, and despite her tired, aching limbs, she was here to learn.


End file.
